Accidental Handicap


I love how when a guy meets me, and gives me compliments, and tells me I’m cool, until they find out I have a kid, then they’re all like… “Dang I wish I could meet a chick like you; I mean one without a kid.” “Ohh, well I’m a chick like me, with a kid, and I’m still single. Hehehe…” (Awkward sigh of disappointment).
How come, some people without kids, consider single people with kids somehow defective? Wait Wait, give me a second to explain. How is it that some people (not in a solo or co-parent situation) have come to the conclusion that we live in a world where things are perfect? You know, you meet Mr/Mrs right, you guys just click, and BOOM… you fall in love, get married and everything is all good. Or how about the scenario where everything isn’t all good, but you guys have a baby together. Who decided that you have to remain in a dysfunctional ass marriage until your kids are 18? Or even worse, you have to be single the rest of your natural life if you are in a solo/co-parent situation? None of these, negative outcomes, are ideal. Why does my child have to be my accidental handicap?
When I use the term “accidental handicap”, let me break down what I am saying. When someone on the outside, aka a person with no children, or children who are now grown, place negative labels on someone who currently has young children, or teenagers they’re raising alone. Somehow, by accident, people like me have become apart of this stereotyped group, that is treated as if we have a dysfunction or defect, and if you deal with us you are somehow a hero. You are not a hero for enjoying all the benefits of a consensual adult relationship.

Have you ever heard your homie say something like, “Man I met this amazing girl. She’s smart, funny, caring, and beautiful. But… She’s got a kid.” Or like me, I had a girlfriend say. “Girl, this man is FINE. He works hard, has a great personality, good to me, and for me. But he got a child from a previous marriage, and I’m not trying to play step-momma.” Don’t worry, my friend knows I’m using her words in my writing. Point is this, we are the ones who place these inferiority or “handicaps” on others, and often times the one who is being labeled is none the wiser. We get the, I’m just not looking to rush into anything right now, comments; Or as I was once informed by an ignorant immature man who said: “single moms be the best hookups.” Apparently, solo/co-parenting mothers are known to let men do anything they want to them sexually, and emotionally, if it is a man without children, because we are SOOOO Happy to have any man around. Let me be the first to call out BULLS#!T.

As soon as someone finds out I have a child, I am often accidentally, or purposefully placed into a bucket that says I’m abnormal, and should be treated as such. That I don’t deserve, or want the same things another woman without children would want. It’s gotten so bad sometimes, that I’ve heard guys completely change how they talk to me, once they find out I have a son. It’s annoying. So stop it.

We are not damaged goods.

I don’t sit in the defective, last chance section at the grocery store. I’m just as good as the new products, only now I’ve actually been quality tested, and the results were pretty freaking amazing. Call me if you will, refurbished, and as good as new. One thing I’ve discovered about myself is that, now that I have a child, my thoughts about starting a relationship have shifted regarding how I walk into love (like) situations. I have no expectations, because I am only expecting us to be friends. I’ve never once asked a man on a date, how he felt about being an insta-daddy. Cause I’m not looking for a insta-daddy. I’m really just hoping you have human like qualities to begin with, cause I can’t tell if some of you were even born on this planet the way y’all treat women (chuckle). As a solo mom, I don’t like being treated as if I’m second rate, or a secondary choice once someone learns I have a child, that’s your ish, it doesn’t have anything to do with me. I’ve said it before, we are not all a one size fits all situation when it comes to why we are solo/co-parents. We have different stories, and journey’s, and it’s those nuances that make us all unique as parents.

Here’s the summation of it all. I am not damaged. I am not defective. I am not broken (anymore). I am not any less desirable because I have a child, nor am I any less special. I deserve the same love, affection and attention that one would get if they didn’t have a child. So keep your labels or dysfunctional titles to yourself, and let me be me. Be honest enough to say, you think we’re amazing, but you’re just not strong enough to take on the adventure of being apart of the world that is us and our child/ren. Let the handicaps live where they came from; within your own heart. We’re Dope AF, and should always feel that way!

-Be the Best Version of YOU!-


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