My son is almost three years old, and he’s coming into his own sense of independence. I constantly hear “no I don’t want you to help me mommy”, or “I can do it”. Most mornings he will go into the kitchen to get his own snacks, as if he’s a boss of his own. Little does he know that I put them on a lower shelf so that he doesn’t have to bother me while I’m getting ready, but I let him win anyways. The point is, I let him do the things he needs to do, so that he can become an independent man, and learn to survive without my constant interference. I would never want my son to be a burden to anyone, and definitely not a burden to society.
As a solo mom, I had to learn how to do everything on my own. There were so many days when I could have used an extra hand, or someone to just be there to take the load off. Yet that wasn’t my going to be my reality in the beginning. Over time I unfortunately had some individuals come into my world only willing to help on their time, and terms; and that didn’t really help the way I wanted or needed. It only sufficed to fulfill a temporary, very specific void, but everything else was still in my court. I had to learn how to do this without having someone around, or else I was going to be in the unfortunate position of always needing someone to be there to fix my problems when I couldn’t do it myself.
With that being said, why do some men have the ideology that they want a woman who NEEDS them. Maybe I don’t fully understand the concept, but I don’t NEED anyone except God. I finally got to a place in my life, and solo parenting situation, that I figured my shit out. I learned to balance my budget, understand the concept and importance of proper time management, and eating a well-balanced diet. So I don’t need anyone to come in and fix my stuff, I want a partner. An equal or greater contributor, who has similar goals and aspirations as I do. Someone who is ready to build a greater empire to mine, or someone who is already on that path. I don’t want to pick up someone who’s still figuring their shit out, because that means I have to be a teacher, and we all know that teachers put in more work than they’re compensated for. I’m just being honest.
Think of it this way. As a woman, if a man came into my world and couldn’t cook, I’d be okay with it. But let’s say he can’t cook, doesn’t have a car, makes substantially less money than I do, or no money for that matter, and doesn’t have his own place. Let’s not mention that he is unclear on where he wants to be in his life. Would this be a wise choice as a partner? I would be a damn fool to take on that challenge. He can’t provide for a family, he would only be good for, well we all know what he’d be good for. The fact of the matter is, he would be a burden to my already established situation. Yet men seem to look at women in these same predicaments and see potential. I can save her, I can be an encouragement and push her to the next level. Or some simply look at it like, this bitch is gonna need me to survive, so she would NEVER leave. Let’s not pretend women don’t think the same way. They take on male projects everyday, and wonder why they are miserable working double time like a slave to keep their homes afloat.
This message isn’t about money, it’s about balance versus burdens. Did this person come into my world, with my son, and create a balanced life for me, or did they come in and take away from what was already working? Now nothing is going to be perfect, but things can always be better. Help-Mate, not Help-Take. You want a mate who will help your life become immensely better, whether in finances, physical or mental health, productivity, you name it. It’s about always moving forward. Let’s face facts, as my son is getting older, he wants to make more decisions, and he wants to feel like a big boy and do things on his own, and I want him to also. I also want a man who is ready to take those next steps towards building a family, because he already has his life figured out too. You don’t have to have all the answers, but you do have to know where you once came from, and where you are going… Sankofa. Being a balanced equal contributor means you are constantly thinking of ways to make your partners life easier, and this should come from both partners. In the end, I want a well-balanced life, just like my diet. Mostly green, delicious, and fulfilling!
Be the Best Version of YOU!