Why is it that some people say “what are you going to bring to the table?” I mean where is this theoretical table at anyways? And another thing, why is it apparently bare? Or if it isn’t bare, why is the table lacking anything at all? I mean I’ll be honest, it’s usually something people say when they feel that have something to “lose” if they choose you, and they don’t want to give up anything of comfort, or they don’t want to be inconvenienced in any way. For me, when I first found out that I was going to be a solo mom, AKA what the world calls a single baby momma, I knew I would be judged; and I was going to constantly run into men who would ask me this same dumb ass question, what am I going to do for them. After one bad relationship, and almost walking into another, here’s what I finally came to the conclusion of…. F*CK YOUR TABLE, especially if it’s not already together. I wouldn’t want to sit anywhere if I gotta bring something to it in order for it to work. In my house, my table is already together, and I’m just looking for someone I can invite to the party. What you bring will be an addition, not something to make the party complete.
Ok, ok, let’s all calm down here, and let’s address the issue as a whole. A few days ago, a girlfriend of mine reached out to me and asked how I dealt with feelings of being adequate, or whole when dating men now that I have a child. She continued to ask if I felt at a disadvantage because I also have not reached the level in my career (and writing) to which I want to be. She discussed feelings of insecurity she faced when dating because she wants to “level up” with her partner, and she wants to be able to feel like she’s an equal at the table. I told her, why would I want to be with my equal? Wait that came out wrong, what I mean to say is why should I damn near kill myself to be perfect with someone who can’t teach me anything new or exciting that I don’t already know? Or should I feel that I need to keeping pushing myself to exhaustion to prove to someone who like me isn’t where they want to be, that I am enough? We don’t have to be financially equals in order to be equals in a relationship. We should strive to be in equally balanced and loving relationship that inspires us to be better versions of who we already are. I’ve had the experience, with some men, that if they are still figuring things out, still learning and growing, they aren’t going to give you want you want; and that’s okay if you’re a woman who’s willing to wait for that man to figure it out. You see, even me being a mother of a young man, men are being taught now a-days, that they should only want to date a woman who are their equals, and those who are not chasing after them for their money. Yet on social media and in the news, all we see are some of those same successful men only settling for a decent looking woman who makes far less money than they do, and those who can’t contribute to the relationship in the same ways. Yet women, like myself, have and will settle for men who are often times below our standards educationally, socially, and financially. Therefore my answer to my friend was simple. As a woman I want to be with a man who has it together, and that doesn’t necessarily mean my financial equal. Just because I haven’t reached the level of success that I want to be at, doesn’t mean that I’m not already successful, because I am, and BECAUSE I have it together. I want to be with someone who knows his value, and potential, and sees my value, worth, and knows my potential. We are to be partners, but HE will always be the head of our family. So I want to be with a man who is already a leader, not a leader in training.
At my table all the settings are there, the food is beautifully prepared, and the flowers are freshly cut and set in a decorative vase. The silverware is new, and the glasses, both drinking and wine, are ready for whatever I choose to put in them. I don’t need someone to bring anything to my table, but whatever you choose to bring to the party will be graciously accepted. As a solo mom, I know all the horrid things people say about us. I see the YouTube videos, I read the articles, and blog post. So I know what people believe about me, even before they know my story. So I had to stop wanting someone to want to come into my world; and now that I’ve shifted my energy, people want to be invited into what I have going on. (Totally not being arrogant here guys… Just a side note) Now the choice is all mine. It’s not an independence thing, it’s a having to get my shit together thing. When men meet me and hear that I have a son, and that my son has no father around, I receive no support at all, but they see me traveling, my son who is well spoken, behaved, handsome, and we’re living well; most immediately wonder either A. How am I doing it, or B. If I’m being funded in other ways. The latter men, I never date.
No one can ask me what I bring to the table, because I don’t want to be required to bring anything into your world if it’s not already fulfilled and sustained without me. That means, as soon as I’m gone from your life, you will have to find someone else to fill your voids and gaps in order to feel whole again.
I’m whole already.
Women are being sold this false narrative that we have to be strong and tough and independent in order to find our Mr. Forever. However, most men still want a woman who is soft, loving, gentle, and needs them. YOU CAN’T HAVE IT BOTH WAYS GUYS. Either you want us to want you, or you want us to be able to do everything on our own. Nonetheless, I want a man who is ALL THE WAY a Man. He has his life together, and isn’t looking for me to bring anything to his table, except myself. We all have to take responsibility for our lives and our stuff, and stop asking people this dumb shit about what they are going to bring into your world. I say it all the time, people will show you and TELL you who they are, we just have to watch and listen. Be your own host of your own party. Other people will see you thriving, living your best life ever, and eventually want to join in on what you have going on. Like I said, the table is set, if you want an invitation, show me that your party is just as lively as mine, and I’ll be playing my music rocking to the beat, asking you if you want check out my party too.
-Be the Best Version of YOU!-